2 listings in all posts with a title or author like "The Onion"


Freakonomist Keeps Close Eye On GE Stock Versus Height Of Mexican Weightlifters

Posted By The Onion | Category: Humor
CHICAGO—A University of Chicago freakonomics professor told General Electric investors Monday to keep a close eye on recent fluctuations in the heights of competitive powerlifters from Mexico. "Usually we can count on a stable average of 5 feet 8 inches, but last month's quarter-inch drop in height among Mexican dead-lift competitors in the middle-heavyweight division could spell disaster for GE's aviation and software subsidiaries," freakonomist James Duncan said. "But, like anything else, a shrewd investor must always ask himself one thing: How many hot dogs did I eat last year?" Duncan previously gained recognition for tracking first-time home ownership and teenage mothers' gum purchases against the Times Tom Jones Is Played Per Day Index.

Study; Shoving, Yelling Makes Things Go Faster 76% Of Time

Posted By The Onion | Category: Humor
TUCSON, AZ—Researchers at the University of Arizona released a study Monday showing a causal relationship between raising one's voice, pushing people in the chest, and getting what you want more quickly. "These results certainly go against common wisdom," said visibly bruised and flustered sociologist Renée Pfaff, who found that subjects in the so-called "jerk group" received rewards an average of 45 seconds faster. "Once we ran out of the rewards, the participants began shaking down our research assistants for money." The study also concluded that gratuitous swearing accelerated the process by as much as 40 percent.